I learned something about myself today. Well maybe I didn't learn it... I have know it by the feelings that I get. Yet, today is the day that I am choosing to recognize it for what it is and dig down deeper.
Every time I have to ask someone a question regarding helping me I get nervous. And not just a little but you know that nervous that you get when you can feel your stomach turn, your heart starts beating faster and you almost could go throw up. I get SOOO nervous.
The question I have is why?
This is what I have been asking myself for that last half hour or so.
The thing is... it is not just big questions but little ones. Anything that has to do with me not being able to do it on my own. If I have to borrow something, if I need help researching a product, if I need advise... the list goes on and on.
I think that this is something that I am going to need to dig into, pray about and seek out what I am fearful of.
Matthew 6:27 - Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
A God Ready to Pardon
When a man’s conscience is so awakened to the existence of sin that he cannot perceive any plea for mercy within himself, it is his wisdom to look for a plea in the nature and character of God. Now, brethren, if we search ourselves through and through, we cannot find anything in our fallen nature which can recommend us to the Most High. If we think that we have a claim upon God’s goodness, we are in darkness, and deceive ourselves. When the true light comes, it reveals our bareness of all merit or excuse, and shows that there is nothing in human nature but that which provokes the Lord. This is the fact as to our condition while we are unregenerate, and oftentimes the true believer, when darkness gathers around him, finds himself to be in much the same condition. His evidences burn dimly, the candle of the Lord seems quenched within his spirit, and worst of all, the sun of divine favor is not discernible; then groping all around he can discover nothing in himself but that which causes him to sigh and groan, being burdened. In such a plight he should cast overboard the great anchor of faith, and escape from himself to his God. It were well for him always to do so, but especially in the cloudy and dark day. To whom should he turn for light but to the Sun of Righteousness? Where look for grace but to the God of all grace? Where for all but to the All in all? If what I am makes me despair, let me consider what God in Christ is and I shall have hope.
A God Ready to Pardon: January 9th, 1876 by C.H. Spurgeon
This is just an excerpt from his message. I have not finished reading the whole thing but I would encourage you to read it as well if you have a chance.
What an amazing thing our God’s grace is! As I read through this I was continually taken back by how grace filled our God is. And also how there is NO WAY that we can bring ourselves to salvation. I loved the part that when we finally are awakened by the sin that is in us we cannot give mercy to ourselves because it is so hideous. When we see humanity for what it is there is nothing in us that can be a recommendation for our salvation to God. YET, our God who is filled with grace pardons us from our sin. He saves us regardless of the fact that everything we do, everything inside of humanity provokes Him. What an amazing God we have. Let us anchor our faith in the Lord.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Run Your Race (Part 1)
We all are running a race in life. We who are believers are called to run it with purpose, trying to win.
"Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified." (1 Corinthians 9:24-27)
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up." (Hebrews 12:1-3)
Picture this: At a track meet there are many people coming from all over to compete in a lot of events. All the athletes are there to run some sort of race. Maybe it is hurdles, sprint, long distances, relays, shot-put or a different one. All the athletes need different training; you wouldn’t have someone who has been training for the sprint run hurdles or long distance. Some even compete in more than one event, yet no one competes in all. They all have the same goal in mind to win, and to win for their team.
Are we not just like that as believers? Here we are competing at the event of life. We all are running different races and have trained ourselves in different ways. Yet we all are running for the King of kings, the Lord of lords.
As I was thinking about this a few questions came to mind. What race are you Kelsie, called to run? What races have you been running that you are not called to? And how can you cheer on those in other races without taking the burden of running it with or for them?
These are races that I know I am to train for and run... some now and some in the future:
- I have been called to glorify the Lord in all that I do and preach the gospel through actions and words.
- I know that I am called to be at the Ranch this year. I don't know when he will call me out but this is where I am now.
- I know that I am called to run the race of living in Powell Butte with the Brewers.
- I know that I am called to encourage those around me, especially the staff and volunteers at the Ranch.
- I know that I am called to read the Word every day.
- I know that I am called to write my brother and encourage him in prison.
- I know that I am called to pray for healing in my family, especially for my father and mother.
- I know that I am called to pray for the salvation of my sister.
- I know I am called to start training to be a wife and mother.
These are the things I need to focus on. I need to pray, to train, to read the Word, to fix my eyes on Jesus... so that I can run with endurance and speed. I am sure there are many more races to come... some I know about and others I don't. I want to be ready. I want to be trained up and ready for the challenges ahead, the adventures and blessings that the Lord has prepared for me.
What races are you called to run?
Sunday, June 5, 2011
I'm home
Every place has a different piece of beauty to it. I enjoyed being in Redding, I love the big oak tree's and the gardens! Traveling to Papa and Maunga's house is peaceful and in much ways like a second home. Yet wherever I am, living here to there, wherever there is, Oregon will always have a place in my heart.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Real me
I have been thinking a lot about being honest and real.
In talking with a few people the other day, my friend shared how she loves it when she actually gets to see me cry. Because in the 5 years of her knowing me I have cried very few times in front of her. I was taken back when she shared this… and I quickly stated, I cry all the time, what are you talking about? She replied, defining what she meant. She didn’t mean just any tears, she has seen me tear up many times while watching movies and hearing stories. Yet when it comes to my actual life, tears of sorrow, sadness, joy she could count the number of times on her one hand.
In talking with a few people the other day, my friend shared how she loves it when she actually gets to see me cry. Because in the 5 years of her knowing me I have cried very few times in front of her. I was taken back when she shared this… and I quickly stated, I cry all the time, what are you talking about? She replied, defining what she meant. She didn’t mean just any tears, she has seen me tear up many times while watching movies and hearing stories. Yet when it comes to my actual life, tears of sorrow, sadness, joy she could count the number of times on her one hand.
As I drove home that night I considered what she said. I wondered why it was so easy for me to cry when it had to do with someone else’s story yet in my own life, being vulnerable in that way is so hard. Don’t get me wrong, emotions run deep inside of me and I feel everything.
Yet for as long as I can remember I have felt the need, felt the obligation to be strong, to be ready to take on the world and to be an example of relying on the Lord to those around me. I have believed that this means you need to set aside your emotions and put on this brave "together" spirit. Yet, deep inside me something whispers to me that this is wrong.
What is the balance of a joyfilled spirit, someone that is walking in trust and truly allowing yourself to be broken beside those who are walking this life with you?
What is the balance of a joyfilled spirit, someone that is walking in trust and truly allowing yourself to be broken beside those who are walking this life with you?
Sunday, May 29, 2011
The end brings a new beginning
Written back in December 2010:
This year has been like no other year in my life. There have been a few amazing things in the midst of some of the most painful and saddening things in my life. I never would have imagined that ONE year could hold so many things in it. In praying and pondering what Rachel asked us to consider, “what God has done in our lives”, I decided I needed to just do a recap of the year. Everything God has taught me has started in January and has deepened as the year and the trials have gone on. I will make the recap as short as possible, since most of you where here.
It all started the 2nd week of January with Chaz (my brother) deciding to break in to a house and put a gun to a man’s head demanding payment for a friend. His trial started in January and ended in June with a sentence of almost 6 years in prison.
Later in the month of January one of my dearest friends met her husband to be. Before the end of the year they were married. This was truly a blessing to my year.
Sometime in the spring time I found out my grandpa was diagnosed with Cancer and may not make it through this year.
June started with Julie and I moving out, within two weeks of getting notice. During this busy time of cleaning the house and property (with the help of many of our friends), Dakota was hit by a car. This started the 6 month (and continuing) recovery for her. I soon found myself at the home of Burnell and Paula’s Johnson.
In August (I think – it all runs together) Kaysie, my sister, ended up in the hospital. She fell 15 feet on top of her head. She was out rock climbing with no ropes. She ended up with a concussion and broken ribs, about 2 weeks later we found out she also had a blood clot in the main artery going to her brain.
In November, Kaysie was taken to the ER. Not because of the blood clot but because she had made some mistakes. By the time she got to the ER she had hypothermia, water poisoning, low sodium levels – to the point of her vital organs starting to shut down, possible brain damage and they weren’t sure if she would pull through.
With less than a month left, another dear friend had her 1st baby boy and I have just moved again out to Powell Butte a couple weeks ago.
Okay, back to the original question – What has God been teaching and revealing to me?
As I stated before, this has been the hardest year of my life. Through it all of this, Lord has been teaching, refining and deepening my belief to choose joy in all circumstances (this starts in choosing joy in the small things), to have an eternal focus and to trust him in all circumstances.
I fought through the initial belief when my brother went to prison. It broke (and still breaks) my heart to realize that he will probably not be at both Kaysie and my weddings. He may not meet his nieces and nephews until they are older (if we have them). He might miss family celebrations and there is a possibility that he will not be here when my grandfather passes away. I went from the emotions of being angry with his decisions and then being so sorrow filled with the fact that he decided to take 6 years of his life and the life of his family having him here.
I was challenged in the midst of my anger and frustration to choose to have joy. To actually thank the Lord for what he was doing with my brother in this. He revealed to me how selfish my motives for anger were; and how if this is what brings Chaz to know Christ it is worth it. The Lord had to take me to the place of realizing that if this is what brings him to know the Lord it is worth him loosing 6 years, missing weddings and other family things. For this time is short and the time I really desire him to be is in eternity.
He did receive the LORD! On a side note, God taught me to believe without question. So many times before, I doubted that my brother has really been changed because he often falls back into what he is doing. Both my mother and father didn’t believe him when he shared about being a Christian. Do I think that he needs to prove he has changed? In some ways I hope for it. However, the Lord really challenged my heart stating: “What happens if you choose not to believe and because there is no one there to believe in him and he falls back. Instead you could trust Me, that I am doing a work in him and encourage and believe what he has said. In this there will be much joy and it will push him to continue his faith in Me.” I hope that makes sense.
Sometimes, I feel (I have even seen people do this to me) that we stick people in a box. They try to change, they choose to change and yet we don’t believe the change because it hasn’t been proved to us. We are so quick to see and expect the fall back – that the people around us loose heart and stop trying. For it is easier to be something that people already believe you to be, then to try and break from that mold without any support or belief from people. I don’t want to be that for my brother.
The next challenge was when Julie was dating, engaged and getting married. I remember exactly when I had the first struggle that I was going to be “loosing” my best friend; that our adventures were over. I remember having the thought come into my head: What you choose here will set you up for the rest of this time. If you choose to place your grief aside and have joy, you will enjoy the whole process. But if you choose to wallow in the grief (and frustration that this isn’t you getting married), then this will continue into a downward spiral and you will miss the joys and you may bring Julie’s joy down with you as well.
I remember choosing joy that time and the next week having that same conflict come up again and again. But there was always the promise that this will get easier (Proverbs 23:7). Do I think that I choose joy perfectly every time? No way! However, I do believe that I choose it more often than not; for I enjoyed every moment. There has been little grief and little sadness in the loosing of a friend. There has been an abundance of excitement for what is to come for them.
The final challenge to this year (so far) was Kaysie, this has broken my heart. I can see the Lord’s hand in allowing this to hopefully call her to His side. Yet, she doesn’t desire to have Christ. She has spoken to me that she believes in a “higher power” but does not believe in Jesus Christ and has no desire to even talk about it. She doesn’t think about the consequences of the way that she lives and continues down this path. Christ has been challenging me to be an example with my lifestyle, speak about what the Lord is doing in my life and PRAY, pray, pray. This lifestyle I believe needs to be one that is joy filled and content. She has many people in her life trying to convict her… who share their disappointment with her lifestyle, who push reading the Bible and going to church. And those same people are anxious, depressed, frustrated, and angry. Why would she go towards a “belief” that is filled with those things? I truly believe that it will not be me who walks her through that final decision but I desire my life to be something that leads her to that decision. (2 Corinthians 10:3-6)
What I am most grateful for though is how this particular year has pushed me towards the Lord! It is amazing how the death of an idea, something you love, or someone you love gives you a desire to be in the presence of God. I have been passionately seeking the Lord and have such a desire to spend time with Him. I have been trying to continue to have a cheerful and have a thankful heart. I have been trying to speak out 10 things I am thankful for. This exercise has been helpful to keep my mind focused on Christ and to choose joy in all circumstances.
I don’t know what the next year holds, but I am very excited to see what God has planned. I am ready for a new year! I have a sort of excitement for what is to come and a new start to a new year. The verse about God’s mercies being new every morning has been continually in the forefront of my mind (Lamentations 3:23). I feel almost as though January 1st is going to be a new morning in a way.
Philippians 4:4-9
Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice.
Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, et your requests be made known to God; and let the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy – meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.
This year has been like no other year in my life. There have been a few amazing things in the midst of some of the most painful and saddening things in my life. I never would have imagined that ONE year could hold so many things in it. In praying and pondering what Rachel asked us to consider, “what God has done in our lives”, I decided I needed to just do a recap of the year. Everything God has taught me has started in January and has deepened as the year and the trials have gone on. I will make the recap as short as possible, since most of you where here.
It all started the 2nd week of January with Chaz (my brother) deciding to break in to a house and put a gun to a man’s head demanding payment for a friend. His trial started in January and ended in June with a sentence of almost 6 years in prison.
Later in the month of January one of my dearest friends met her husband to be. Before the end of the year they were married. This was truly a blessing to my year.
Sometime in the spring time I found out my grandpa was diagnosed with Cancer and may not make it through this year.
June started with Julie and I moving out, within two weeks of getting notice. During this busy time of cleaning the house and property (with the help of many of our friends), Dakota was hit by a car. This started the 6 month (and continuing) recovery for her. I soon found myself at the home of Burnell and Paula’s Johnson.
In August (I think – it all runs together) Kaysie, my sister, ended up in the hospital. She fell 15 feet on top of her head. She was out rock climbing with no ropes. She ended up with a concussion and broken ribs, about 2 weeks later we found out she also had a blood clot in the main artery going to her brain.
In November, Kaysie was taken to the ER. Not because of the blood clot but because she had made some mistakes. By the time she got to the ER she had hypothermia, water poisoning, low sodium levels – to the point of her vital organs starting to shut down, possible brain damage and they weren’t sure if she would pull through.
With less than a month left, another dear friend had her 1st baby boy and I have just moved again out to Powell Butte a couple weeks ago.
Okay, back to the original question – What has God been teaching and revealing to me?
As I stated before, this has been the hardest year of my life. Through it all of this, Lord has been teaching, refining and deepening my belief to choose joy in all circumstances (this starts in choosing joy in the small things), to have an eternal focus and to trust him in all circumstances.
I fought through the initial belief when my brother went to prison. It broke (and still breaks) my heart to realize that he will probably not be at both Kaysie and my weddings. He may not meet his nieces and nephews until they are older (if we have them). He might miss family celebrations and there is a possibility that he will not be here when my grandfather passes away. I went from the emotions of being angry with his decisions and then being so sorrow filled with the fact that he decided to take 6 years of his life and the life of his family having him here.
I was challenged in the midst of my anger and frustration to choose to have joy. To actually thank the Lord for what he was doing with my brother in this. He revealed to me how selfish my motives for anger were; and how if this is what brings Chaz to know Christ it is worth it. The Lord had to take me to the place of realizing that if this is what brings him to know the Lord it is worth him loosing 6 years, missing weddings and other family things. For this time is short and the time I really desire him to be is in eternity.
He did receive the LORD! On a side note, God taught me to believe without question. So many times before, I doubted that my brother has really been changed because he often falls back into what he is doing. Both my mother and father didn’t believe him when he shared about being a Christian. Do I think that he needs to prove he has changed? In some ways I hope for it. However, the Lord really challenged my heart stating: “What happens if you choose not to believe and because there is no one there to believe in him and he falls back. Instead you could trust Me, that I am doing a work in him and encourage and believe what he has said. In this there will be much joy and it will push him to continue his faith in Me.” I hope that makes sense.
Sometimes, I feel (I have even seen people do this to me) that we stick people in a box. They try to change, they choose to change and yet we don’t believe the change because it hasn’t been proved to us. We are so quick to see and expect the fall back – that the people around us loose heart and stop trying. For it is easier to be something that people already believe you to be, then to try and break from that mold without any support or belief from people. I don’t want to be that for my brother.
The next challenge was when Julie was dating, engaged and getting married. I remember exactly when I had the first struggle that I was going to be “loosing” my best friend; that our adventures were over. I remember having the thought come into my head: What you choose here will set you up for the rest of this time. If you choose to place your grief aside and have joy, you will enjoy the whole process. But if you choose to wallow in the grief (and frustration that this isn’t you getting married), then this will continue into a downward spiral and you will miss the joys and you may bring Julie’s joy down with you as well.
I remember choosing joy that time and the next week having that same conflict come up again and again. But there was always the promise that this will get easier (Proverbs 23:7). Do I think that I choose joy perfectly every time? No way! However, I do believe that I choose it more often than not; for I enjoyed every moment. There has been little grief and little sadness in the loosing of a friend. There has been an abundance of excitement for what is to come for them.
The final challenge to this year (so far) was Kaysie, this has broken my heart. I can see the Lord’s hand in allowing this to hopefully call her to His side. Yet, she doesn’t desire to have Christ. She has spoken to me that she believes in a “higher power” but does not believe in Jesus Christ and has no desire to even talk about it. She doesn’t think about the consequences of the way that she lives and continues down this path. Christ has been challenging me to be an example with my lifestyle, speak about what the Lord is doing in my life and PRAY, pray, pray. This lifestyle I believe needs to be one that is joy filled and content. She has many people in her life trying to convict her… who share their disappointment with her lifestyle, who push reading the Bible and going to church. And those same people are anxious, depressed, frustrated, and angry. Why would she go towards a “belief” that is filled with those things? I truly believe that it will not be me who walks her through that final decision but I desire my life to be something that leads her to that decision. (2 Corinthians 10:3-6)
What I am most grateful for though is how this particular year has pushed me towards the Lord! It is amazing how the death of an idea, something you love, or someone you love gives you a desire to be in the presence of God. I have been passionately seeking the Lord and have such a desire to spend time with Him. I have been trying to continue to have a cheerful and have a thankful heart. I have been trying to speak out 10 things I am thankful for. This exercise has been helpful to keep my mind focused on Christ and to choose joy in all circumstances.
I don’t know what the next year holds, but I am very excited to see what God has planned. I am ready for a new year! I have a sort of excitement for what is to come and a new start to a new year. The verse about God’s mercies being new every morning has been continually in the forefront of my mind (Lamentations 3:23). I feel almost as though January 1st is going to be a new morning in a way.
Philippians 4:4-9
Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice.
Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, et your requests be made known to God; and let the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy – meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.
Simple Truth...
Written July 15th, 2007
Christ needs to be the center of my life… He will never fail, He will never die, He will never go away. No matter what happens He is always constant… because of that He NEEDS to be the center.
IF He is no matter what happens its okay, because my life is wrapped around Him and He has not been shaken.
IF He is no matter what happens its okay, because my life is wrapped around Him and He has not been shaken.
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