Written back in December 2010:
This year has been like no other year in my life. There have been a few amazing things in the midst of some of the most painful and saddening things in my life. I never would have imagined that ONE year could hold so many things in it. In praying and pondering what Rachel asked us to consider, “what God has done in our lives”, I decided I needed to just do a recap of the year. Everything God has taught me has started in January and has deepened as the year and the trials have gone on. I will make the recap as short as possible, since most of you where here.
It all started the 2nd week of January with Chaz (my brother) deciding to break in to a house and put a gun to a man’s head demanding payment for a friend. His trial started in January and ended in June with a sentence of almost 6 years in prison.
Later in the month of January one of my dearest friends met her husband to be. Before the end of the year they were married. This was truly a blessing to my year.
Sometime in the spring time I found out my grandpa was diagnosed with Cancer and may not make it through this year.
June started with Julie and I moving out, within two weeks of getting notice. During this busy time of cleaning the house and property (with the help of many of our friends), Dakota was hit by a car. This started the 6 month (and continuing) recovery for her. I soon found myself at the home of Burnell and Paula’s Johnson.
In August (I think – it all runs together) Kaysie, my sister, ended up in the hospital. She fell 15 feet on top of her head. She was out rock climbing with no ropes. She ended up with a concussion and broken ribs, about 2 weeks later we found out she also had a blood clot in the main artery going to her brain.
In November, Kaysie was taken to the ER. Not because of the blood clot but because she had made some mistakes. By the time she got to the ER she had hypothermia, water poisoning, low sodium levels – to the point of her vital organs starting to shut down, possible brain damage and they weren’t sure if she would pull through.
With less than a month left, another dear friend had her 1st baby boy and I have just moved again out to Powell Butte a couple weeks ago.
Okay, back to the original question – What has God been teaching and revealing to me?
As I stated before, this has been the hardest year of my life. Through it all of this, Lord has been teaching, refining and deepening my belief to choose joy in all circumstances (this starts in choosing joy in the small things), to have an eternal focus and to trust him in all circumstances.
I fought through the initial belief when my brother went to prison. It broke (and still breaks) my heart to realize that he will probably not be at both Kaysie and my weddings. He may not meet his nieces and nephews until they are older (if we have them). He might miss family celebrations and there is a possibility that he will not be here when my grandfather passes away. I went from the emotions of being angry with his decisions and then being so sorrow filled with the fact that he decided to take 6 years of his life and the life of his family having him here.
I was challenged in the midst of my anger and frustration to choose to have joy. To actually thank the Lord for what he was doing with my brother in this. He revealed to me how selfish my motives for anger were; and how if this is what brings Chaz to know Christ it is worth it. The Lord had to take me to the place of realizing that if this is what brings him to know the Lord it is worth him loosing 6 years, missing weddings and other family things. For this time is short and the time I really desire him to be is in eternity.
He did receive the LORD! On a side note, God taught me to believe without question. So many times before, I doubted that my brother has really been changed because he often falls back into what he is doing. Both my mother and father didn’t believe him when he shared about being a Christian. Do I think that he needs to prove he has changed? In some ways I hope for it. However, the Lord really challenged my heart stating: “What happens if you choose not to believe and because there is no one there to believe in him and he falls back. Instead you could trust Me, that I am doing a work in him and encourage and believe what he has said. In this there will be much joy and it will push him to continue his faith in Me.” I hope that makes sense.
Sometimes, I feel (I have even seen people do this to me) that we stick people in a box. They try to change, they choose to change and yet we don’t believe the change because it hasn’t been proved to us. We are so quick to see and expect the fall back – that the people around us loose heart and stop trying. For it is easier to be something that people already believe you to be, then to try and break from that mold without any support or belief from people. I don’t want to be that for my brother.
The next challenge was when Julie was dating, engaged and getting married. I remember exactly when I had the first struggle that I was going to be “loosing” my best friend; that our adventures were over. I remember having the thought come into my head: What you choose here will set you up for the rest of this time. If you choose to place your grief aside and have joy, you will enjoy the whole process. But if you choose to wallow in the grief (and frustration that this isn’t you getting married), then this will continue into a downward spiral and you will miss the joys and you may bring Julie’s joy down with you as well.
I remember choosing joy that time and the next week having that same conflict come up again and again. But there was always the promise that this will get easier (Proverbs 23:7). Do I think that I choose joy perfectly every time? No way! However, I do believe that I choose it more often than not; for I enjoyed every moment. There has been little grief and little sadness in the loosing of a friend. There has been an abundance of excitement for what is to come for them.
The final challenge to this year (so far) was Kaysie, this has broken my heart. I can see the Lord’s hand in allowing this to hopefully call her to His side. Yet, she doesn’t desire to have Christ. She has spoken to me that she believes in a “higher power” but does not believe in Jesus Christ and has no desire to even talk about it. She doesn’t think about the consequences of the way that she lives and continues down this path. Christ has been challenging me to be an example with my lifestyle, speak about what the Lord is doing in my life and PRAY, pray, pray. This lifestyle I believe needs to be one that is joy filled and content. She has many people in her life trying to convict her… who share their disappointment with her lifestyle, who push reading the Bible and going to church. And those same people are anxious, depressed, frustrated, and angry. Why would she go towards a “belief” that is filled with those things? I truly believe that it will not be me who walks her through that final decision but I desire my life to be something that leads her to that decision. (2 Corinthians 10:3-6)
What I am most grateful for though is how this particular year has pushed me towards the Lord! It is amazing how the death of an idea, something you love, or someone you love gives you a desire to be in the presence of God. I have been passionately seeking the Lord and have such a desire to spend time with Him. I have been trying to continue to have a cheerful and have a thankful heart. I have been trying to speak out 10 things I am thankful for. This exercise has been helpful to keep my mind focused on Christ and to choose joy in all circumstances.
I don’t know what the next year holds, but I am very excited to see what God has planned. I am ready for a new year! I have a sort of excitement for what is to come and a new start to a new year. The verse about God’s mercies being new every morning has been continually in the forefront of my mind (Lamentations 3:23). I feel almost as though January 1st is going to be a new morning in a way.
Philippians 4:4-9
Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice.
Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, et your requests be made known to God; and let the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy – meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.
This year has been like no other year in my life. There have been a few amazing things in the midst of some of the most painful and saddening things in my life. I never would have imagined that ONE year could hold so many things in it. In praying and pondering what Rachel asked us to consider, “what God has done in our lives”, I decided I needed to just do a recap of the year. Everything God has taught me has started in January and has deepened as the year and the trials have gone on. I will make the recap as short as possible, since most of you where here.
It all started the 2nd week of January with Chaz (my brother) deciding to break in to a house and put a gun to a man’s head demanding payment for a friend. His trial started in January and ended in June with a sentence of almost 6 years in prison.
Later in the month of January one of my dearest friends met her husband to be. Before the end of the year they were married. This was truly a blessing to my year.
Sometime in the spring time I found out my grandpa was diagnosed with Cancer and may not make it through this year.
June started with Julie and I moving out, within two weeks of getting notice. During this busy time of cleaning the house and property (with the help of many of our friends), Dakota was hit by a car. This started the 6 month (and continuing) recovery for her. I soon found myself at the home of Burnell and Paula’s Johnson.
In August (I think – it all runs together) Kaysie, my sister, ended up in the hospital. She fell 15 feet on top of her head. She was out rock climbing with no ropes. She ended up with a concussion and broken ribs, about 2 weeks later we found out she also had a blood clot in the main artery going to her brain.
In November, Kaysie was taken to the ER. Not because of the blood clot but because she had made some mistakes. By the time she got to the ER she had hypothermia, water poisoning, low sodium levels – to the point of her vital organs starting to shut down, possible brain damage and they weren’t sure if she would pull through.
With less than a month left, another dear friend had her 1st baby boy and I have just moved again out to Powell Butte a couple weeks ago.
Okay, back to the original question – What has God been teaching and revealing to me?
As I stated before, this has been the hardest year of my life. Through it all of this, Lord has been teaching, refining and deepening my belief to choose joy in all circumstances (this starts in choosing joy in the small things), to have an eternal focus and to trust him in all circumstances.
I fought through the initial belief when my brother went to prison. It broke (and still breaks) my heart to realize that he will probably not be at both Kaysie and my weddings. He may not meet his nieces and nephews until they are older (if we have them). He might miss family celebrations and there is a possibility that he will not be here when my grandfather passes away. I went from the emotions of being angry with his decisions and then being so sorrow filled with the fact that he decided to take 6 years of his life and the life of his family having him here.
I was challenged in the midst of my anger and frustration to choose to have joy. To actually thank the Lord for what he was doing with my brother in this. He revealed to me how selfish my motives for anger were; and how if this is what brings Chaz to know Christ it is worth it. The Lord had to take me to the place of realizing that if this is what brings him to know the Lord it is worth him loosing 6 years, missing weddings and other family things. For this time is short and the time I really desire him to be is in eternity.
He did receive the LORD! On a side note, God taught me to believe without question. So many times before, I doubted that my brother has really been changed because he often falls back into what he is doing. Both my mother and father didn’t believe him when he shared about being a Christian. Do I think that he needs to prove he has changed? In some ways I hope for it. However, the Lord really challenged my heart stating: “What happens if you choose not to believe and because there is no one there to believe in him and he falls back. Instead you could trust Me, that I am doing a work in him and encourage and believe what he has said. In this there will be much joy and it will push him to continue his faith in Me.” I hope that makes sense.
Sometimes, I feel (I have even seen people do this to me) that we stick people in a box. They try to change, they choose to change and yet we don’t believe the change because it hasn’t been proved to us. We are so quick to see and expect the fall back – that the people around us loose heart and stop trying. For it is easier to be something that people already believe you to be, then to try and break from that mold without any support or belief from people. I don’t want to be that for my brother.
The next challenge was when Julie was dating, engaged and getting married. I remember exactly when I had the first struggle that I was going to be “loosing” my best friend; that our adventures were over. I remember having the thought come into my head: What you choose here will set you up for the rest of this time. If you choose to place your grief aside and have joy, you will enjoy the whole process. But if you choose to wallow in the grief (and frustration that this isn’t you getting married), then this will continue into a downward spiral and you will miss the joys and you may bring Julie’s joy down with you as well.
I remember choosing joy that time and the next week having that same conflict come up again and again. But there was always the promise that this will get easier (Proverbs 23:7). Do I think that I choose joy perfectly every time? No way! However, I do believe that I choose it more often than not; for I enjoyed every moment. There has been little grief and little sadness in the loosing of a friend. There has been an abundance of excitement for what is to come for them.
The final challenge to this year (so far) was Kaysie, this has broken my heart. I can see the Lord’s hand in allowing this to hopefully call her to His side. Yet, she doesn’t desire to have Christ. She has spoken to me that she believes in a “higher power” but does not believe in Jesus Christ and has no desire to even talk about it. She doesn’t think about the consequences of the way that she lives and continues down this path. Christ has been challenging me to be an example with my lifestyle, speak about what the Lord is doing in my life and PRAY, pray, pray. This lifestyle I believe needs to be one that is joy filled and content. She has many people in her life trying to convict her… who share their disappointment with her lifestyle, who push reading the Bible and going to church. And those same people are anxious, depressed, frustrated, and angry. Why would she go towards a “belief” that is filled with those things? I truly believe that it will not be me who walks her through that final decision but I desire my life to be something that leads her to that decision. (2 Corinthians 10:3-6)
What I am most grateful for though is how this particular year has pushed me towards the Lord! It is amazing how the death of an idea, something you love, or someone you love gives you a desire to be in the presence of God. I have been passionately seeking the Lord and have such a desire to spend time with Him. I have been trying to continue to have a cheerful and have a thankful heart. I have been trying to speak out 10 things I am thankful for. This exercise has been helpful to keep my mind focused on Christ and to choose joy in all circumstances.
I don’t know what the next year holds, but I am very excited to see what God has planned. I am ready for a new year! I have a sort of excitement for what is to come and a new start to a new year. The verse about God’s mercies being new every morning has been continually in the forefront of my mind (Lamentations 3:23). I feel almost as though January 1st is going to be a new morning in a way.
Philippians 4:4-9
Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice.
Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, et your requests be made known to God; and let the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy – meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.
