Real me

I have been thinking a lot about being honest and real. 

In talking with a few people the other day, my friend shared how she loves it when she actually gets to see me cry.  Because in the 5 years of her knowing me I have cried very few times in front of her.  I was taken back when she shared this…  and I quickly stated, I cry all the time, what are you talking about?  She replied, defining what she meant.  She didn’t mean just any tears, she has seen me tear up many times while watching movies and hearing stories.  Yet when it comes to my actual life, tears of sorrow, sadness, joy she could count the number of times on her one hand. 

As I drove home that night I considered what she said.  I wondered why it was so easy for me to cry when it had to do with someone else’s story yet in my own life, being vulnerable in that way is so hard.   Don’t get me wrong, emotions run deep inside of me and I feel everything. 

Yet for as long as I can remember I have felt the need, felt the obligation to be strong, to be ready to take on the world and to be an example of relying on the Lord to those around me.  I have believed that this means you need to set aside your emotions and put on this brave "together" spirit.  Yet, deep inside me something whispers to me that this is wrong. 

What is the balance of a joyfilled spirit, someone that is walking in trust and truly allowing yourself to be broken beside those who are walking this life with you?